Tuesday, April 21, 2009

If Michael Bay Designed Christian Web Sites

Like the cover letter of a resumé, a web site's Flash introduction makes a statement. It establishes the site's owners as domain experts, setting them apart from their competition. Also like cover letters, Flash introductions are typically angrily skipped in favor of actual relevant content. But woe unto thee who skip the intros of the following pages. I will offer links to the sites and the apparent statement that their Flash introductions are intended to communicate to new visitors.


Upon visiting this page, you will likely ask, "Is this web site for a church or the Space Army?" Well I do not know the answer to that question, but whatever it is SIGN ME THE FUCK UP.

Apparent statement: Calling all Deathbots (and Christians)!


Twin brothers Keith and Karl Edmonds, "silently interpret contemporary Gospel music with dramatic gestures and animated facial expressions, portraying man's resistance of life's evil temptations and His transformation from doubter to believer." Because the best way to spread the Good Word is to, you know, not use any words at all.

Apparent statement: The only thing we hate more than Satan is epileptics!


This was the website that led me to the discovery of this whole universe of krazy kristians on the web, and it may well be the most impressive. ICCM isn't really a church at all, but rather a corporation that provides tax-exempt status to small churches who wouldn't otherwise qualify. What's that? You'd like to run a tax-exempt church but you don't even have any ministerial credentials? NO PROBLEM- they will make you a minister! (I shit you not.) Wait, why are you scoffing- you think this shit's not legit? They send you a motherfucking lapel pin, what more do you need?

Apparent statement: We evade the SHIT out of taxes!


All of the above sites (and many more) are the work of self-described "Visual Historian," Marcus Shepard. He holds a Masters degree in Computer Arts and an unquenchable desire to decorate the SINternet with spasm-inducing Flash animations. Curious what led mister Shepard into a career of creating what is probably best described as "digital meth on crack," I phoned him for a brief interview:

OUTSIDER: So, Marcus, how did you get into the web design business?

SHEPARD: I-I-I first [metallic clang in background] dev-v-v-eloped [screeching cat followed by stampede of footsteps] an interest in w-w-w-w [glass breaking]
w-w-w-w-w [industrial machinery] w-web design in c-c-col-col-c-c-c-college
[clown whistle and circus music] w-w-when...

OUTSIDER: Thanks so much for your time, Marcus, and God bless!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

She's Mine... All Mine!!!

Long have I awaited this day. I now possess my own miniature facsimile of Yarna D'Al' Gargan, Jabba the Hut's six-breasted concubine from Return of the Jedi. That's right- the mind that brought you jawas, ewoks, and *shudder* Jar-Jar also conjured up a giant slug's sextuple-teated sex slave. (Hrm, perhaps the "sex" part was my contribution.)

Yarna IRL.

Kenner actually prototyped Yarna way back in the mid-eighties, but it is said that Lucasfilm objected to the idea. The fact that she was one of only two Star Wars figures that were modeled but never released lit a fire in the tidy little hearts of collectors (well, maybe not all collectors); the Yarna Figure became the many-nippled grail of the PVC Star Wars universe. It would be over two decades before Hasbro (current toy licensee of the Star Wars brand) revisited the idea of a Yarna figure for their Legacy Collection line of toys. Hasbro ran a poll asking fans what their most desired Star Wars toys would be, and a Yarna figure topped the list.

And now, with my Collector's Anxiety momentarily sated, Yarna stands on my desk, poised to entertain me with her alien wiles... and daddy like!

Shake 'em babeh. Shake ALL of 'em.