My Top Five Top Fives

Application spam is the cancer that is killing Facebook. The Facebook home page is now just a busy, homogeneous stream of effluvia where a posted article such as this one, which takes several hours and at least two satanic ritualistic sacrifices to compose, merits no more real estate than an application-generated spamlet that was created in a few seconds with a few clicks and little more than a passing thought. I am not bitter, though, and Facebook's Twitter envy is far too transparent for me to have any hope of a concise, uncluttered front page again any time soon.

So it is in a spirit of reluctant acceptance that I decided to give that omnipresent Top Five application a spin. I will leave you with the results. Please note that because I fail at Blogger templates, you must click the large-assed thumbnail below in order to view the actual top five lists in all their mirthful wonder.

If Michael Bay Designed Christian Web Sites

Like the cover letter of a resumé, a web site's Flash introduction makes a statement. It establishes the site's owners as domain experts, setting them apart from their competition. Also like cover letters, Flash introductions are typically angrily skipped in favor of actual relevant content. But woe unto thee who skip the intros of the following pages. I will offer links to the sites and the apparent statement that their Flash introductions are intended to communicate to new visitors.

EVANGELICAL CATHEDRAL

Upon visiting this page, you will likely ask, "Is this web site for a church or the Space Army?" Well I do not know the answer to that question, but whatever it is SIGN ME THE FUCK UP.

Apparent statement: Calling all Deathbots (and Christians)!

Click to View Site

K&K MIME

Twin brothers Keith and Karl Edmonds, "silently interpret contemporary Gospel music with dramatic gestures and animated facial expressions, portraying man's resistance of life's evil temptations and His transformation from doubter to believer." Because the best way to spread the Good Word is to, you know, not use any words at all.

Apparent statement: The only thing we hate more than Satan is epileptics!

Click to View Site

INTERNATIONAL CONGRESS OF CHURCHES & MINISTERS (ICCM)

This was the website that led me to the discovery of this whole universe of krazy kristians on the web, and it may well be the most impressive. ICCM isn't really a church at all, but rather a corporation that provides tax-exempt status to small churches who wouldn't otherwise qualify. What's that? You'd like to run a tax-exempt church but you don't even have any ministerial credentials? NO PROBLEM- they will make you a minister! (I shit you not.) Wait, why are you scoffing- you think this shit's not legit? They send you a motherfucking lapel pin, what more do you need?

Apparent statement: We evade the SHIT out of taxes!

Click to View Site

SO WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THIS?

All of the above sites (and many more) are the work of self-described "Visual Historian," Marcus Shepard. He holds a Masters degree in Computer Arts and an unquenchable desire to decorate the SINternet with spasm-inducing Flash animations. Curious what led mister Shepard into a career of creating what is probably best described as "digital meth on crack," I phoned him for a brief interview:

OUTSIDER: So, Marcus, how did you get into the web design business?

SHEPARD: I-I-I first [metallic clang in background] dev-v-v-eloped [screeching cat followed by stampede of footsteps] an interest in w-w-w-w [glass breaking]
w-w-w-w-w [industrial machinery] w-web design in c-c-col-col-c-c-c-college
[clown whistle and circus music] w-w-when...

OUTSIDER: Thanks so much for your time, Marcus, and God bless!

She's Mine... All Mine!!!

Long have I awaited this day. I now possess my own miniature facsimile of Yarna D'Al' Gargan, Jabba the Hut's six-breasted concubine from Return of the Jedi. That's right- the mind that brought you jawas, ewoks, and *shudder* Jar-Jar also conjured up a giant slug's sextuple-teated sex slave. (Hrm, perhaps the "sex" part was my contribution.)

Yarna IRL.

Kenner actually prototyped Yarna way back in the mid-eighties, but it is said that Lucasfilm objected to the idea. The fact that she was one of only two Star Wars figures that were modeled but never released lit a fire in the tidy little hearts of collectors (well, maybe not all collectors); the Yarna Figure became the many-nippled grail of the PVC Star Wars universe. It would be over two decades before Hasbro (current toy licensee of the Star Wars brand) revisited the idea of a Yarna figure for their Legacy Collection line of toys. Hasbro ran a poll asking fans what their most desired Star Wars toys would be, and a Yarna figure topped the list.

And now, with my Collector's Anxiety momentarily sated, Yarna stands on my desk, poised to entertain me with her alien wiles... and daddy like!

Shake 'em babeh. Shake ALL of 'em.

Dear Nintendo

Dear Nintendo,

I congratulate you on the amazing and continued success of the Wii and DS. You've really changed the way that people think about video games and introduced some true innovations in an industry increasingly notorious for risk avoidance. I also want to apologize for writing the DS off as a "gimmick" and for making fun of the Wii's name. (Although I think you missed an opportunity when you chose to name the Wii's built-in Nintendo Entertainment System emulator "Virtual Console" instead of "WiiNES.")

I was curious, though, Nintendo- do you ever sort of get the feeling that you're successful despite yourself? Allow me to clarify:

Why don't your first-party games have voice?

Even though you adopted DVD-ROM as the storage medium for Wii games, all in-game dialogue in Nintendo-produced titles is printed on-screen, rather than spoken. Now, I like to read as much as the next person, but since your games are designed for standard definition television sets, you can only fit about three words per line on the screen. Also, you apparently think players like to watch every single character individually rendered on-screen as we're trying to read... as if a little Mario is packed inside each Wii, dilligently typing out every word. A typical gameplay session with a first-party Wii game usually goes something like this:

[Press Start]
[Watch cutscene]
[Wait for page 1 of text to render and press A to continue]
[Wait for page 2 of text to render and press A to continue]
[Wait for page 3 of text to render and press A to continue]
[Wait for page 4 of text to render and press A to continue]
[Wait for page 5 of text to render and press A to continue]
[Wait for page 6 of text to render and press A to continue]
[Wait for page 7 of text to render and press A to continue]
Three seconds of gameplay! Wewt!
[Wait for page 1 of text to render and press A to continue]
[Wait for page 2 of text to render and press A to continue]
[Wait for page 3 of text to render and press A to continue]
[repeat.]

Did you know that this actually isn't fun? Well, that's not completely accurate. It is fun, but perhaps less so than undergoing unanaesthetised dental work. Don't you guys do focus groups or anything? Do people who playtest your games understand that they're intended for entertainment, or do they think you're designing thumb-torture simulators?

Why do all your first-party games have General MIDI soundtracks?

I remember being really blown away the first time I ever saw a home video game that used the power of MIDI to generate its soundtrack, but the novelty wore off sometime in 1988. Is this just a case of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it?"

Did you know that it is now possible to actually record music digitally and then play it back inside a video game? Take a look at, say, every video game produced by anyone other than Nintendo in the past 17 years for an example. I thought that maybe you were just cramming too many standard-def, low-poly graphics onto your game discs to accomodate digital music, but I looked at a bunch of your titles under good lighting and it's obvious you're nowhere near filling your discs to capacity, so what gives?

Why does the Wii Shop Channel suck so bad?

The first time I ever bought a Virtual Console title through the Wii Shop Channel, I thought, "Gee, entering all my credit card and address information with the Wiimote really sucks ass. At least I'll only have to do this once. Right? RIGHT???" But no- every single time you purchase anything from the Wii Shop, every Wii user must fumble through the process of providing complete credentials and payment info with probably the least appropriate text-entry device ever. Dude, Steven Hawking has an easier time entering text than the average Wii user.

And yes, I know that there are now keyboards you can plug in to the Wii- wait... I bet you call them "Wiiboards," don't you? But even websites remember customer information, and websites can work from any computer. You only access Wii Shop from your own Wii- there's no excuse for you to not remember who your users are, is there?

Why isn't the new Animal Crossing game any different from the first one?

Ususally the idea behind a game sequel is, "Ditch the things that didn't work, keep the things that did, but make them better." Oddly, the idea behind Animal Crossing: City Folk appears to be, "Put the original Animal Crossing disc in a new box." Seriously, after seven years of development you can't evolve the gameplay or graphics at all, other than make the player character look like less of a serial-killing clown?

This franchise is in dire need of a reboot. Let's just pretend City Folk never happened and release a true "Animal Crossing 2." As you're obviously starved for ideas, let me recommend how to bring this game up-to-date: The new game will be an open-ended stealth action FPS sandbox thriller with occasional first-person parkour segments. You're an undercover vice detective and the guitar-playing dog K.K. Slider is your in-game companion (controlled by AI in single-player or your friend in co-op mode). Together you go into deep cover in Tom Nook's megastore chain, investigating his textile sweatshops and alleged prostitution and drug trafficking operations. This should serve as a good jumping point; contact me if you need more detail.

Oh yeah, and what the FUCK is up with bringing back Resetti? It's not bad enough it takes 10 minutes just to load a goddamn game of Animal Crossing (even if you DO save before turning off your system) but you have to continue torturing players once the game finally loads? Just for this, I am officially putting you on notice: If I ever see Reggie Fils-Aimé in person I am totally gonna punch him in the piinis.

I Was Only Trying To Make Conversation

I was third in line, behind a woman and a man at the soda fountain in the cafeteria today. The guy in front of me observed the woman pressing the little square button that dispensed only unflavored carbonated water into her cup, and the following discussion ensued:

Man: Oh, I see you like the bubbly water there!

Woman (somewhat embarrassed): Oh, uh yeah I just kind of like the carbonation, I guess. I don't know why...

Man: You know, in Italy when you ask for water in a restaurant, they give you sparkling water by default unless you explicitly ask for tap water.

Me: Well, that's because their tap water gives you explosive diarrhea.

They both kind of shot me big-eyed stares and wandered off in opposite directions.

And people wonder why I rarely speak up at parties. *shrug*

iTunes Plus Library Upgrades Failing Massively

I was stoked about the news that the iTunes Music Store was getting rid of DRM and offering unlocked, higher-quality tracks to replace the protected songs that customers had already purchased. Stoked, that is, until I actually attempted to upgrade my library. When I click the little Upgrade My Library link at the iTunes Store front page, I'm presented with the option to buy the Plus versions of 96 individual songs and 11 complete albums for $61.80 USD. (By the way, it kind of blows that you can't pick and choose which tracks to upgrade. Apple is only offering complete library upgrades- well as complete as possible, since the labels haven't turned over all the DRM-free songs yet.) When I eagerly click the big silver Buy button, I'm presented with a little message box that says: "Your iTunes Plus upgrade is now processing" and instructs me to wait until I receive an email containing download instructions.

Well after 20 minutes or so, the email arrives and it always says the same thing:

Your iTunes Plus Upgrade Could Not Be Processed

Your iTunes Plus music upgrade could not be successfully completed because there is a problem with your payment information. To go to your iTunes Account Edit Payment Information page, please click the link below. Please check your credit card information, ensure that it has not expired, and check your billing information and then try your upgrade again.

So I return to iTunes and open up my account information, only to find that my payment information is not only intact, but correct. I have bought hundreds of songs in the past year alone with exactly the same information, and the card's good for another few years. Supplying the info for a second card didn't work either.

As the day wears on it's becoming clear that I'm not the only one. The Apple Support forums are filling up with posts from people all over the world having the same problems. It's nice, I guess, to know that I'm not the only one, but what's frustrating is that we have no idea what the issue specifically is, and whether Apple is even aware of the problem. There is no apparent way to submit a support ticket. (Clicking the Report a Problem button in iTunes simply loads your purchase history.)

Not everyone is having the issue. When it works, the tracks just queue for download automatically- no email involved. From the several successful reports I've seen, it appears that the upgrade is working better for people with fewer than 100 songs to replace. My own failed attempts involved 244 songs, and most of the complaints I've seen on the Apple forums seemed to involve triple-digit song counts.

I presume that Apple is just plain overwhelmed with upgrade requests and the system is just failing in bizarre and misleading ways. Anyway, if you are having similar problems to what I've described here, just know this:

• You're not alone.
• It's probably not anything with your payment information- especially if you've recently bought stuff through iTunes and the card's still valid.
• It's not regional; it appears to be a global problem.
  

The Worst Quest In World of Warcraft

Are you the kind of person who looks up quests on Wowhead or Thottbot before attempting to complete them? I am not. If I had been, however, I might have saved myself ten dollars worth of quarters in the swear jar attempting to complete the Shadowmoon Valley quest called I Was A Lot Of Things... Seriously, you should really reconsider pursuing a quest if you see comments like this at the fansites:

• Here's how to complete this quest: 1) Press L to open your quest log. 2) Select the quest named "I Was A Lot Of Things..." 3) Click Abandon Quest. You are welcome.
• I am about to commit crimes against Man and Nature because I'd rather spend a lifetime in prison than spend another hour working on this quest.
• I was given a choice between rubbing poison ivy on my genitals and completing this quest. My testicles now itch so much I have to sit on a belt sander for any semblance of comfort. I made the right decision.

The premise of the quest is simple enough: A yam-farming orc named Oronok is afraid to leave his farm because of the roving flayers that are decimating his felboar herd. He wants you to harvest some Shadowmoon tubers for him with the aid of his surviving felboars, who dig the tubers out of the ground when summoned. He hands you a whistle that the boars are trained to acknowledge and sends you off into the wild. Sounds fun, right? This is what I thought too, at first.

"No amount of gold or XP could compensate you for the suffering you're about to endure."

For one thing, the quest giver, Oronok, is damn difficult to locate; it is very likely that most players would never even find him if they weren't sent looking for him as part of a quest chain. Even with QuestHelper installed it is easy to waste 10-15 minutes trying to find a rideable path up to Oronok's farm. He's on top of a mountain in the top-middle area of Shadowmoon Valley. Your only hint that you're getting close will be a trail of half-eaten felboar carcases along the mountain side. (Seriously, Blizzard, breadcrumbs would have sufficed.)

Be prepared to get very familiar with this sight.

The problems with this quest become apparent pretty quickly. For one thing, the tubers are scattered across very hilly, uneven terrain. You will rarely see more than one on-screen at a time, and they do not sparkle like most quest nodes do. This wouldn't be so much of an issue of the quest were to gather a single tuber, but you need to collect 10 to satisfy Oronok, which means that you will be traversing the same bumpy, steep terrain over and over for quite some time. Oh and if you happen to be an herbalist, the tubers do NOT show up as nodes on your minimap.

I swear, Oronok has got to be the worst goddamned farmer in all of Outland.

Another issue is that flayers appear to get it on like rabbits, because the area is just lousy with them. It is not uncommon to see three or four flayers tearing the guts out of a felboar at a time (and then to have them chase after you once they're finished with the boar).

This is just so not fucking worth it.

Not only are they plentiful, but they respawn like crazy which is a significant issue for the following reason: Unlike most summoning quests in World of Warcraft, when you blow Oronok's whistle, the game does not create a new felboar especially to respond to your call. Instead, an existing felboar has to be within the (very-short) listening range of the whistle, and cannot be in combat at the time the whistle blows. Another little bit of awesomeness Blizzard threw in is that if you blow the whistle when no available felboars are within listening distance, THE TUBER FUCKING DISAPPEARS. That's right, you get one chance to summon boars to your tuber, and if the boar is out of listening range (and there are no visual indicators to help you judge this), or is in combat, you forever lose your chance to harvest that node.

Also, dead boars don't count.

So why even bother? Well, unfortunately, this quest is part six of the single-largest quest chain in Shadowmoon Valley. The end-of-chain quest rewards are rather good, and you'll be missing out if you skip this quest. On second thought, I have a better idea:

Seriously, it's not like anyone will ever find the body.