Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Preggo Shuffle

My wife takes an active interest in her health, and when she was pregnant with our first child she bought a bunch of books and videos to help her get through pregnancy. One of them was the Kathy Smith Pregnancy Workout. I can think of few things hotter than a room full of pregnant women doing deep knee bends in unitards, so I was surprised by her reaction when I asked how the video was. She said something like, "It was kind of... retarded."

Well it turns out she was mainly thinking about one specific segment of the tape, called the Preggo Shuffle, where Kathy and her poppin' posse don Ray Bans and shuffle around to a stock music drum beat, dropping rhymes like the following:
You'll get much more
from your pelvic floor
when you pass on the bagel
and do one more kegel.
This tape was produced in 1989, just before congress passed legislation making "white people rapping" a capital offense. I was totally going to upload this clip to YouTube, but somebody beat me to it. Shield your eyes now...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Making Garfield Funny

I used to love Garfield. I had all the books, calendars, a buncha toys- it was awesome. And then I turned 9. Since then I've been kind of shocked by how Jim Davis continues to keep shitting out strip after strip, using the exact same gags for, what, 30 years now? I mean, Marmaduke, Cathy, and Hi and Lois manage to keep things fresh, amirite? Oh, wait...

Anyway, I do not appear to be the only one bothered by Garfield's relentless, embarrassing marathon of suck, as several folks have lately been re-working the strip in an attempt to divine laughs from this comedic well-run-dry. For example:

What if Garfield were a real cat?

Garfield After Hours
This is pretty much how every single Garfield strip would go if I were Jim Davis.

This strip explores what would happen if Jon owned Luigi from Super Mario World instead of that fat fucking cat.

Garfield The Movie
Scientists once proved that Garfield The Movie and Comedy could not occupy the same space at the same time. It was a cinematic black hole where even such stellar talents as Bill Murray and Joel Cohen were swallowed up never to be seen again. It took an intrepid gigglenaut, name of Zach Galifianakis, to prove that one could at least chuckle in the vicinity of that film.