I Was Only Trying To Make Conversation

I was third in line, behind a woman and a man at the soda fountain in the cafeteria today. The guy in front of me observed the woman pressing the little square button that dispensed only unflavored carbonated water into her cup, and the following discussion ensued:

Man: Oh, I see you like the bubbly water there!

Woman (somewhat embarrassed): Oh, uh yeah I just kind of like the carbonation, I guess. I don't know why...

Man: You know, in Italy when you ask for water in a restaurant, they give you sparkling water by default unless you explicitly ask for tap water.

Me: Well, that's because their tap water gives you explosive diarrhea.

They both kind of shot me big-eyed stares and wandered off in opposite directions.

And people wonder why I rarely speak up at parties. *shrug*

7 Dudes I Would Totally Do If I Were Gay

I'm not gay. Well, not in the traditional sense. I mean, I might be "prison gay" or "desert island gay" (any port in a storm, amirite?), but I'm definitely not "Food Network gay." If I were, however, the fine fellers that follow would be first in my speed-dialing marathon of same-sex booty calls. To add some depth to the discussion, I will also indicate which role I would take in each (purely hypothetical) union.

Please note that the censored pictures below are linked to their uncensored versions. So be careful what you click, pervert.

7. Naveen Andrews

"Have you ever been felt up by a gen-u-wine Iraqi?"

Why I'd Do Him

Tall, dark, and mansome with a deep, soothing, English voice that would drive Gay Me wild, Naveen is a dude's dude.

My Position

Bottom. Naveen's a smooth-talkin' lothario. If you don't let him take the lead, you're not getting the full Andrews experience.


6. Early-to-mid-Eighties Harrison Ford

"How good are you at handling a whip? And by whip I mean dinger."

Why I'd Do Him

Women want to love him, men want to be him, and I'd want to do him. In the early Star Wars and Indiana Jones films, Ford's rugged good looks and cocksure (and how!) attitude defined contemporary manliness. But then things got weird and ultimately embarrassing. They should have locked him in that damn fridge 25 years ago and thawed him out now and then whenever America needed a good dose of Reagan-era virility.

My Position

Bottom. Aside from that one incident at Jabba's place, Han Solo don't take it in the culo.


5. Chris Crocker

Imagine Sarah Jessica Parker's head on that body instead, and then wonder how anyone could be straight to begin with.

Why I'd Do Him
Seriously now, when you first saw Leave Britney Alone, you thought, "Hmm. She actually wouldn't be too bad if she'd just shut her damn pie hole and fix her make-up." And then you realized it was Christopher and not Christine, and immediately locked yourself in the basement for a marathon of hetero internet pr0n to remind yourself where your allegiances lie. Granted, even a single word leaving Crocker's mouth in bed would one-hit-kill your mojo- but that's what gagballs are for.

My Position

Top. (Well, duh.) Chris Crocker tops for no man.


4. Buck Angel, The Man With A Pussy

What's missing from this picture (other than a leather cap, assless chaps, and a sling)?

Why I'd Do Him

Admit it. You know you're curious. Buck's as manly as a manly man can get without actually having a penis. Plus, that strong, confident half-smile makes you just wanna shake his hand, have a beer with him, then ask him where his junk went.

My Position

Top by default.


3. Holly Sweet

Opticians now supply this photo to patients as part the new breakthrough "eye push-ups" therapy.

Why I'd Do Him
In some ways, Holly is the ideal man. He'll do the taxes and take out the trash, but can also talk his way out of traffic tickets. This is the type of guy you'd want to bring home to Mom and Dad, assuming that your parents are the types to think "the gay" is something you pick up by using the same toilet seat as someone who owns an Ikea credit card. (Just pray they don't ask him any questions because his voice sounds a lot like when Chris Farley hams it up in drag.)

Also, I think "do a guy with boobs" is secretly on every man's "things to accomplish before I die" checklist anyway. Well, let me qualify that- "do a guy with boobs that don't make me projectile vomit" would be more accurate. For those of you think that by adding a man who looks like a woman to this list is veering out of gay territory here, just remember what Jeff Foxworthy said: "If [your girlfriend's dick is bigger than yours] you might be a [homosexual.]"

My Position

Top, mainly because it's easier to thumbs-up and high-five when topping.


2. Chyna

Chyna is basically just Puddy with lipstick and implants. And who doesn't like Puddy?

Why I'd Do Him

What do you mean he's not a dude? Well how in the shit do you explain this (NSFW photo from his "leaked" "celebrity" sex tape) then? Now that we're all on the same page, I've always wondered what it would be like to be with a member of the WWF. Is it the same mysterious drive that compels Man to risk life and limb conquering Science and Nature which leads him to want to sleep with someone who could snap his neck like a toothpick? Also, what Foxworthy said.

My Position

Bottom. For one thing, he's got the equipment, but for another, topping a WWF wrestler is only possible by special contractual permission from Vince McMahon, and usually involves press conferences and Pay-Per-View.


1. Vince from Sham Wow and Slap Chop

"You're gonna love my nuts," indeed

Why I'd Do Him

He's quick, he's dedicated, he's good with his hands, and Sham Wow is fucking awesome. There's no part of "Slap Chop" that's conducive to romance, however, so we're keeping him away from the BDSM toy chest.

My Position

Top. One caveat with Vince is that his deep involvement with television advertising almost guarantees that he'll be one to overpromise and underdeliver (in bed). You can mitigate this by taking the driver's seat- but for god's sake don't let him wear that damn headset in bed!


Disqualified: Joaquin Phoenix

...

Why I Would Have Done Him

He's got the sweetest name in Hollywood and he's generally awesome (he rocked in Signs, yo!)... or was until he got that fucked up beard. I have no problem with facial hair- I'm even sporting a li'l chin-pelt of my own these days- but goddamn dude. Just, goddamn.

My Position

Running the fuck away.

iTunes Plus Library Upgrades Failing Massively

I was stoked about the news that the iTunes Music Store was getting rid of DRM and offering unlocked, higher-quality tracks to replace the protected songs that customers had already purchased. Stoked, that is, until I actually attempted to upgrade my library. When I click the little Upgrade My Library link at the iTunes Store front page, I'm presented with the option to buy the Plus versions of 96 individual songs and 11 complete albums for $61.80 USD. (By the way, it kind of blows that you can't pick and choose which tracks to upgrade. Apple is only offering complete library upgrades- well as complete as possible, since the labels haven't turned over all the DRM-free songs yet.) When I eagerly click the big silver Buy button, I'm presented with a little message box that says: "Your iTunes Plus upgrade is now processing" and instructs me to wait until I receive an email containing download instructions.

Well after 20 minutes or so, the email arrives and it always says the same thing:

Your iTunes Plus Upgrade Could Not Be Processed

Your iTunes Plus music upgrade could not be successfully completed because there is a problem with your payment information. To go to your iTunes Account Edit Payment Information page, please click the link below. Please check your credit card information, ensure that it has not expired, and check your billing information and then try your upgrade again.

So I return to iTunes and open up my account information, only to find that my payment information is not only intact, but correct. I have bought hundreds of songs in the past year alone with exactly the same information, and the card's good for another few years. Supplying the info for a second card didn't work either.

As the day wears on it's becoming clear that I'm not the only one. The Apple Support forums are filling up with posts from people all over the world having the same problems. It's nice, I guess, to know that I'm not the only one, but what's frustrating is that we have no idea what the issue specifically is, and whether Apple is even aware of the problem. There is no apparent way to submit a support ticket. (Clicking the Report a Problem button in iTunes simply loads your purchase history.)

Not everyone is having the issue. When it works, the tracks just queue for download automatically- no email involved. From the several successful reports I've seen, it appears that the upgrade is working better for people with fewer than 100 songs to replace. My own failed attempts involved 244 songs, and most of the complaints I've seen on the Apple forums seemed to involve triple-digit song counts.

I presume that Apple is just plain overwhelmed with upgrade requests and the system is just failing in bizarre and misleading ways. Anyway, if you are having similar problems to what I've described here, just know this:

• You're not alone.
• It's probably not anything with your payment information- especially if you've recently bought stuff through iTunes and the card's still valid.
• It's not regional; it appears to be a global problem.