Tuesday, April 21, 2009

If Michael Bay Designed Christian Web Sites

Like the cover letter of a resumé, a web site's Flash introduction makes a statement. It establishes the site's owners as domain experts, setting them apart from their competition. Also like cover letters, Flash introductions are typically angrily skipped in favor of actual relevant content. But woe unto thee who skip the intros of the following pages. I will offer links to the sites and the apparent statement that their Flash introductions are intended to communicate to new visitors.


Upon visiting this page, you will likely ask, "Is this web site for a church or the Space Army?" Well I do not know the answer to that question, but whatever it is SIGN ME THE FUCK UP.

Apparent statement: Calling all Deathbots (and Christians)!


Twin brothers Keith and Karl Edmonds, "silently interpret contemporary Gospel music with dramatic gestures and animated facial expressions, portraying man's resistance of life's evil temptations and His transformation from doubter to believer." Because the best way to spread the Good Word is to, you know, not use any words at all.

Apparent statement: The only thing we hate more than Satan is epileptics!


This was the website that led me to the discovery of this whole universe of krazy kristians on the web, and it may well be the most impressive. ICCM isn't really a church at all, but rather a corporation that provides tax-exempt status to small churches who wouldn't otherwise qualify. What's that? You'd like to run a tax-exempt church but you don't even have any ministerial credentials? NO PROBLEM- they will make you a minister! (I shit you not.) Wait, why are you scoffing- you think this shit's not legit? They send you a motherfucking lapel pin, what more do you need?

Apparent statement: We evade the SHIT out of taxes!


All of the above sites (and many more) are the work of self-described "Visual Historian," Marcus Shepard. He holds a Masters degree in Computer Arts and an unquenchable desire to decorate the SINternet with spasm-inducing Flash animations. Curious what led mister Shepard into a career of creating what is probably best described as "digital meth on crack," I phoned him for a brief interview:

OUTSIDER: So, Marcus, how did you get into the web design business?

SHEPARD: I-I-I first [metallic clang in background] dev-v-v-eloped [screeching cat followed by stampede of footsteps] an interest in w-w-w-w [glass breaking]
w-w-w-w-w [industrial machinery] w-web design in c-c-col-col-c-c-c-college
[clown whistle and circus music] w-w-when...

OUTSIDER: Thanks so much for your time, Marcus, and God bless!

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